Changing on the outside by making external shifts

Last week I wrote about changing our values by changing our thinking. This week I want to expand on that theme.

Whenever we make major internal shifts in our consciousness there are likely to changes that need to be made on the outside too in terms of our behaviour.

There is an old saying that has been adopted into NLP:

“If you keep doing what you’ve always done you’ll keep getting what you always got!”

In other words if we keep doing the same thing expecting a different outcome we are fooling ourselves. I have been talking about how I re-balanced the value “security” in my own value set by transforming some of my thinking patterns in particular that of poverty consciousness. Letting go of old ways of thinking can be very challenging yet the first step is making the decision that you are ready to change.

Part of that change comes from making changes in our habitual behaviours that will allow us to rethink our internal map.

We need to take responsibility for our own actions and identify the self-defeating strategies that have been keeping us stuck.

In personal relationships it is often about challenging behaviours in others that are disrespectful or abusive. At first for me, this felt terrifying because I was risking abandonment, the ultimate fear when security is about relationships.

Paradoxically as I started to stand up for myself something major changed inside. I realised that I would rather be single than put up with being treated badly. The idea of being alone no longer felt like insecurity. I began to understand how I could feel secure about myself.

As soon as this happened my relationship patterns changed. There was a stand out moment when I broke off a relationship in order to respect myself and then just two weeks later I met Joe. Joe and I have now been married twenty years.

The quality of our relationship is so different from everything else I had ever experienced and I do feel secure. However, I also know that if something happened to our relationship or even to Joe I could handle it and still feel secure. No matter what.

I’m not saying I wouldn’t experience distress or grief or whatever emotion would be appropriate. What I am saying is that I have the internal strength to weather the storm and that I will still have a sense of personal security.

By developing assertive behaviours and recognising the importance of valuing myself the value of security also transformed. I no longer based my feeling of personal security on someone else. Feeling secure was and is something I do for myself.

Feelings of insecurity are now rare for me and even when I do experience them they tend to be fleeting.

I hope sharing my experience helps others to re-evaluate what is important and how to feel secure. Do let me know what is important to you. Have you made that change yet? What are you waiting for?

Next week more on security and money.

About Melody @ GWizlearning

Melody spent fourteen years gathering experience of the business world working in banking, telecommunications and the public sector before co-founding The GWiz Learning Partnership in 1993. Melody has a Masters Degree in Applied Positive Psychology, a degree in Psychology and a diploma in Psychotherapy. She is an NLP Master Trainer which allows her to run NLP Practitioner, NLP Master Practitioner and NLP Trainer Training courses certified by the Positive School of Intrinsic Neuro-Linguistc Psychology. She is also a qualified Myers Briggs practitioner and EI practitioner and added to all this is five years Transactional Analysis training, meaning she is able to help organisations access the hidden potential in their staff. She is also in demand for her work in transforming average or even troubled teams into high performers. Melody is a visiting lecturer at University of East London, teaching "Wellbeing and Positive Psychology" to undergraduates. Additionally, she is a member of the CIPD and is ILM accredited. Melody's interests are many and varied. She has a keen interest in personal development, canine and wolf psychology, conservation, movies and running. She also enjoys western horse riding, walking the GWiz dogs, nature watching and stage combat (particularly sword fighting).
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