Last week I wrote about how sometimes our values can be in conflict in such a way that they block us from achieving from life the things we want.
For me this was particularly true in that I had a value of “security” that was in conflict with a newly developed value of “freedom”. The new value of freedom emerged naturally from the personal development journey I was on. I had lived my life feeling limited and believing there were many aspirations beyond my reach.
I gradually became aware of how powerful my fear of losing security was. For this value was based on a fear of being unsafe. I had created a whole raft of beliefs about what I needed to be safe. One aspect was in regard to relationships and the other finances. I needed to tackle the unhealthy part of my value system in order to release a more balanced definition of security for me.
In terms of relationships I believed I needed to be in a relationship in order to be safe. Safe from what is not clear. Perhaps it was loneliness, perhaps it was the only way I could find a value in me. I really don’t know and on one level it didn’t matter.
What I needed to do was to recognise my own inherent value as a human being. This was about boosting self-esteem and resilience. I was not recognising my own ability to do well in the world as an individual. I felt I would only be safe within a relationship. Unfortunately I was at a stage where I believed it was better to be in an unhealthy relationship than alone.
A couple of years ago on this blog I wrote a series about relationships. Next week I will re-publish one of these that relates to how I handled my development in this regard.
My relationship to money was at the root of my other fear around security. I had a fear of not surviving without enough money to pay bills etc. This is not particularly surprising as my family were very poor when I was growing up and this fear was all around me.
I needed to challenge the beliefs I had developed as a result of this by first identifying them and then changing them. I had what I call “poverty consciousness”. It didn’t matter how much money I had I would continue to feel insecure because I held a particularly strong belief of:
“There’s never enough!”
I would wake up in the mornings adding up bills. I identified a number of related beliefs that were helping keep this belief in place and some others that were preventing me from being successful. One of these was based on a saying that was often said in my family:
“The rich make their money off the backs of the poor!”
This resulted in me internalising the idea that if I started to earn “good” money I would not be a “good” person, in fact I’d be the opposite.
So how did I overcome this? More in the following weeks.