Re-balancing Values when they clash

Last week I wrote about how sometimes our values can be in conflict in such a way that they block us from achieving from life the things we want.

For me this was particularly true in that I had a value of “security” that was in conflict with a newly developed value of “freedom”. The new value of freedom emerged naturally from the personal development journey I was on. I had lived my life feeling limited and believing there were many aspirations beyond my reach.

I gradually became aware of how powerful my fear of losing security was. For this value was based on a fear of being unsafe. I had created a whole raft of beliefs about what I needed to be safe. One aspect was in regard to relationships and the other finances. I needed to tackle the unhealthy part of my value system in order to release a more balanced definition of security for me.

In terms of relationships I believed I needed to be in a relationship in order to be safe. Safe from what is not clear. Perhaps it was loneliness, perhaps it was the only way I could find a value in me. I really don’t know and on one level it didn’t matter.

What I needed to do was to recognise my own inherent value as a human being. This was about boosting self-esteem and resilience. I was not recognising my own ability to do well in the world as an individual. I felt I would only be safe within a relationship. Unfortunately I was at a stage where I believed it was better to be in an unhealthy relationship than alone.

A couple of years ago on this blog I wrote a series about relationships. Next week I will re-publish one of these that relates to how I handled my development in this regard.

My relationship to money was at the root of my other fear around security. I had a fear of not surviving without enough money to pay bills etc. This is not particularly surprising as my family were very poor when I was growing up and this fear was all around me.

I needed to challenge the beliefs I had developed as a result of this by first identifying them and then changing them. I had what I call “poverty consciousness”. It didn’t matter how much money I had I would continue to feel insecure because I held a particularly strong belief of:

“There’s never enough!”

I would wake up in the mornings adding up bills. I identified a number of related beliefs that were helping keep this belief in place and some others that were preventing me from being successful. One of these was based on a saying that was often said in my family:

“The rich make their money off the backs of the poor!”

This resulted in me internalising the idea that if I started to earn “good” money I would not be a “good” person, in fact I’d be the opposite.

So how did I overcome this? More in the following weeks.

About Melody @ GWizlearning

Melody spent fourteen years gathering experience of the business world working in banking, telecommunications and the public sector before co-founding The GWiz Learning Partnership in 1993. Melody has a Masters Degree in Applied Positive Psychology, a degree in Psychology and a diploma in Psychotherapy. She is an NLP Master Trainer which allows her to run NLP Practitioner, NLP Master Practitioner and NLP Trainer Training courses certified by the Positive School of Intrinsic Neuro-Linguistc Psychology. She is also a qualified Myers Briggs practitioner and EI practitioner and added to all this is five years Transactional Analysis training, meaning she is able to help organisations access the hidden potential in their staff. She is also in demand for her work in transforming average or even troubled teams into high performers. Melody is a visiting lecturer at University of East London, teaching "Wellbeing and Positive Psychology" to undergraduates. Additionally, she is a member of the CIPD and is ILM accredited. Melody's interests are many and varied. She has a keen interest in personal development, canine and wolf psychology, conservation, movies and running. She also enjoys western horse riding, walking the GWiz dogs, nature watching and stage combat (particularly sword fighting).
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